And the MVP goes to...

Almost a year ago, the 5/8 Club leaders gathered to plan for the spring semester. We discussed how things went during the fall and what we could do to make the program better, keeping in mind the program's goals: that it would be safe, fun, and productive for everyone.

At Abundant Life, we believe in high standards and high support. At the beginning of each year the boys make their own rules, and everyone (leaders included) signs their name to them, agreeing to abide by them. We use a discipline policy called the Standard Response to deal with misbehavior. In general, the first infraction results in a warning, the second infraction results in a timeout (missing the beginning of free time to help clean up after dinner), and the third results in the student being taken home and missing the next field trip. There are other nuances, but I'm simplifying here for the sake of time and space.

This policy has worked pretty well over the years to maintain a safe, fun, and productive environment, but it's certainly not perfect. Too often, it has resulted in leaders harping on poor behavior and failing to recognize good behavior (parents and teachers can probably relate). At this particular leaders meeting, one of my volunteers had an idea: What if we made a concerted effort to praise and reward good behavior on a weekly basis? The reasons would be two-fold: to esteem those who are doing the right thing, and to encourage others to follow their example. A quick brainstorming session came up with a new initiative: the Most Valuable Participant (MVP) award.

Each week, leaders would be on the lookout for students who are listening with their ears and eyes, participating (e.g. asking and answering questions, volunteering to help), and being respectful. At the end of the evening, leaders would come to a consensus on who the MVP was for the younger (5th-6th grade) and older (7th-8th grade) boys and announce it in front of everyone. The winners would receive a Gatorade and their name on the MVP Wall of Fame, on display each week.

The MVP Award comes with one more perk, perhaps just as important. The parents of the MVP winner receive a congratulatory call or text to let them know how great their son was that week. The responses from the parents may be my favorite part, to hear them beaming with pride and eager to praise their son for setting a good example for his peers. It makes the boys feel even more special, and it makes the parents feel more involved in what we do. The MVP award has been been well received by the boys, and it's brought a fun and positive vibe to our Monday night meetings. It may be less than a year old, but I have a feeling it's here to stay.

Making Things Right

By living in the community with the boys we work with, we’re able to hold them to high standards not only during 5/8 Club meetings but also in the neighborhood.  Two days after our Summer Program ended, I got a call from someone who said his neighbor’s bike was stolen, and he had reason to believe some of the 5/8 boys were the ones who took it.  A little investigating confirmed that some of the boys had it, and shortly thereafter they actually showed up at our house with it, wanting to pump up the tires.  We called the bike’s owners, whom we knew (and who knew some of the boys), and they came and retrieved the bike.

From here, this situation could have gone in a number of directions.  The victims could have filed a police report, charges could have been pressed, and the boys could have ended up in court.  Or, satisfied that the bike was recovered, the victims could have gone home and let the kids’ parents take it from there, most likely punitively.  Fortunately, the victims chose to pursue a restorative process, one which I’m trained in from my days working for Restorative Community Foundation. 

Our traditional justice system is adversarial, pitting the state against the offender (with little role for the victim), and punishment is meted out with little regard for the victim, offender, or community’s needs.  The beauty of the restorative process is that it is collaborative, inclusive, and affirms the value of both victim and offender.  We spoke to the boys involved and their parents, and invited them all to attend a conference with the family whose bike was stolen.  We also had a few community members there who knew everyone in the room and were involved in the recovery of the bike.  As facilitator, I was neutral.

After explaining the rules of the circle and having everyone introduce themselves, I asked the bike owners what happened.  I then asked the boys what happened (they freely admitted to taking the bike), and asked the community members if they had anything to add.  I then asked everyone how it made them feel.  The bike owners’ feelings ranged from confused to upset; the son explained that the bike is how he gets to practice.  One of the boys said he was scared.  The parents and community members expressed disappointment and embarrassment.  Next, I asked the victims about their needs and how it could be made right.  The mother wanted an apology.  A parent suggested the boys do manual labor at the victims’ house or for Abundant Life.  One by one, each boy offered an apology without coercion, and the victims expressed their gratitude.  Everyone agreed that the boys would do some labor at the victims’ house as restitution.

The difference in expressions on everyone’s face from Thursday afternoon, when the bike was stolen, and even from that morning when everyone arrived for the conference, was stark.  Anxiety, anger, and heavy hearts were replaced by smiles and sighs of relief.  Everyone seemed pleased with the outcome, and peace, justice, and dignity were restored.

Work in Progress

For the last year I've tutored one of the 5/8 boys once a week in Abundant Life's after-school tutoring program.  This particular kid had a history of being difficult with tutors, which is actually why I was approached mid-year about tutoring him (the coordinator hoped that I might have more success with him).  At first, I'd estimate we had a productive tutoring session about every other week.  Now, we're productive probably 75% of the time.

Last week, he was tired and made it clear that he did not want to be there.  He asked me to take him home early but I refused.  I tried to get him to focus on his work but he wouldn't budge.  Finally, I called his father and let him talk to his son.  They argued for a bit and then his dad told me that his son would have an attitude adjustment next week.  Because my tutee was still refusing to work, I dropped him off in the office and went home.

This week I showed up at tutoring and my tutee was waiting for me in the cafeteria.  This in itself was surprising because he often tries to sneak onto the bus or hide from us.  But then I heard this remarkable story: apparently, he had gotten onto the bus, but then felt guilty and decided it would be better for him to come to tutoring.  I've become used to his lying about not having any work to do, whining about not wanting to do anything, and lackluster effort.  But this week he was as well-behaved as he's ever been, worked throughout the entire session, and earned the maximum amount of points.

I don't tell this story to toot my own horn; I'm not up for any Tutor of the Year awards.  I just think with a solid relationship, some good strategies, and a lot of faith, patience, and perseverance, God will make a difference in this child's life.  And I'm blessed to be a part of it.

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.  Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." - James 1:2-4

A Father's Love

I show up early before 5/8 to set up, and a couple of weeks ago I took several kids along with me to help. I left them in the room with a new leader, and then went to another part of the church to get the projector. When I came back, the leader informed me that two of the boys had an altercation that began with name-calling and turned into hitting one another. I told the two boys that I was going to take them home (standard protocol for fights), but waited for the rest of the boys and leaders to arrive to help get them started. I then told the two boys to come with me.

As we were walking to my car and then on the way home, they said they didn't need to go home, that it was settled and they had apologized to one another. I explained that this is what happens when you get in a fight, you go home and you miss the next field trip. As we approached their houses, I said I needed to talk to their parents. Again, they said that wasn't necessary, but I insisted. I spoke to one parent right then, but the other wasn't home so I returned later that night after 5/8 was over.

Both of these boys are frequent visitors to my house, and I generally have very good relationships with them, but I wondered if my disciplinary action would make them resentful towards me, if they wouldn't come to the next meeting, etc., and if I did the right thing. That Saturday, we had a small group dinner where we took the 5th and 6th graders to the UVA football game. As I was getting ready to leave to pick up the food and the bus, the two boys involved in the altercation arrived at my house separately. They both asked if they could join me. I said yes.

I really think this was God's way of reassuring me that I handled the situation the right way, and that I was loving them through it. As the Scripture says:

"My son, do not despise the LORD’s discipline,
and do not resent his rebuke,
because the LORD disciplines those he loves,
as a father the son he delights in." - Proverbs 3:11-12

Snowball Effect

I’m usually the last 5/8 Club leader to leave on Monday nights, and as I pack up my car I tend to ask myself questions to judge how the evening went: How many kids came? Were there any discipline problems? Did we as leaders demonstrate the love of Jesus to the kids? Did they (and we) have fun?  After a 5/8 Club meeting this past winter, I received a text message from Matthew just as I pulled into my driveway.  It simply said, “Call me.”  Since Matthew is the 5/8 leader who drives kids home on the bus, and the bus tends to be our most frequent site of misbehavior, I knew this probably wasn’t good.

I called Matthew and he explained to me that one of the 5^th grader’s fathers waved him down as he returned home after dropping off the kids.  He said that his son came home crying because he had been hit in the face with a ball of ice in the parking lot after the meeting.  Matthew apologized and said he didn’t know because he didn’t see it and the boy didn’t tell him, and that he would have me call him.  I got off the phone with Matthew and quickly contacted the other leaders to find out if anyone had seen anything.  None of them had.  I then called the boy’s father.  He was justifiably upset; his son had a welt on his face and scratches, didn’t know who hit him, and was scared because he thought someone may have done it on purpose.  I apologized, and because it was after 9pm at this point, I told the father that I would go door-to-door to the boys’ houses tomorrow and try to find out what happened.  I assured him that we would hold the person who threw the ice responsible for his actions and asked if he thought an apology would be helpful.  He said yes.

The next afternoon I started knocking on doors.  The first kid I talked to said that another boy, also a 5^th grader, told him that he had done it.  I immediately began thinking about consequences, such as taking away the field trip that the boys earn for attendance and good behavior.  That boy wasn’t home, so I went to another home to verify and get more of the story.  The next boy I talked to said that that day at school, the boy who threw the ice confessed to the boy he hit that it was him, assured him that it was an accident, and apologized.  A great sense of relief swept over me.  My emotions turned from disappointment to joy that without adult intervention, this 5^th grade boy took responsibility for his actions and made things right.  I went by the house of the boy who had been hit by the ice; his face was still swollen and scratched.  He told me the same thing as the previous boy.  I asked him if he was mad at the boy who hit him and he said no.  His father’s demeanor had completely changed; I could tell that he was no longer upset and was satisfied with the outcome.

At the risk of embarrassing the two boys, I shared that story during circle time of our next 5/8 Club meeting.  I explained that normally the ice thrower would miss the field trip for such actions, but in this case he would not because he did exactly what he should have done in that situation.  I hope that his example encourages the other boys to take responsibility when they mess up.  And for me, this demonstration of repentance and forgiveness is an encouraging reminder that the Kingdom is at work in the boys’ hearts and in the community.